Tag Archives: psychology

In Spite of

In spite of a hellish week of over work. Tasks I abhor. Unreasonable requests. I feel fine. I have been feeling fine for 4 weeks. Exactly 4 weeks. After …somewhere between 10 and 40 years of moderate to sever depression and anxiety.

I keep thinking of that therapy model I read somewhere, that once you chip away at enough of the crap trees in the crap forrest, the rest just start falling.

Don’t honestly know if it’s a temporary reprieve or a new chapter that doesn’t suck as much, may even holds good things. Just know the trees are falling of their own accord now. OK, sometimes I have to give them a little nudge. But they’re falling.

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of ants and anxiety

Ant

I was decimating an ant swarm around my kitchen door (which already seemed to be dying) when one ant walked up on my foot and pointedly bit me. It felt like on tiny voice of rage and defiance, defending his tribe, expressing himself. I killed him, told him I was sorry, and realized I can relate. That’s what I feel like when I’m battling depression and anxiety. The size and futility ratio feel about the same.

That said I’ve been feeling good this week, and maybe I’m winning the battle, but sometimes it just seems random. Like I could have just as easily turned right into the house with the death soap bucket, but I happened to turn left into the sugar pile today.

Current state of ants and anxiety – detente.

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Married a Little – MFA in writing Week 1

Here’s what I am reading out loud at the MFA residency workshop today.

FYI – I am changing from fiction to non-fiction as a concentration. Those kids are way cooler. Also, this all really happened.

sky

My first wedding was performed by my college biology professor. He talked about how we were the result of millions of years of evolution, because I wouldn’t let him talk about God for some reason I can’t remember – I have a pretty big bug up my ass about God, I think. But mostly I remember the daggers shooting at me from the women who loathed me for breaking up the Jan and Andy house of fun for single women, and the video record of the ceremony that was mostly shots of the sky, taken by Andy, my husband’s best friend who was annoyed I hadn’t married him. But it was very much a first come first served situation.

Funny thing is, the woman Andy ended up marrying, turned out to be a lesbian. Our money was on me, but it didn’t go that way. At least not yet.

 

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Susannah Raulino