There may be something to the “upper limit problem” theory. The idea that if you aren’t used to or comfortable with a lot of happiness, you naturally curb it to stay in a comfort zone.
I remember reading a post of a cousin of mine that was going on about how great her trip was, and I knew there was no way it was going to end well. This woman dwelled in, talked about, and ruminated deeply on the troubles of herself and others in all her communications. If there was trouble, she’d respond or post immediately. If things were great – silence. And sure enough, last few sentences of the post were about how her luggage and ID were stolen and blah blah blah – troubles.
I look for these patterns in myself and try to see them non-judgmentally, like looking at geometric shapes on a paper, and think of how to shift them, paint them differently. Shift that feeling when I am having a blissful moment, that I know later that night I will crash. Like when I am whirling around the dance floor, experiencing a Waltz, Texas style, for the first time. A smooth floating feeling I have never experienced before, with a nice tall good looking man my age I have never met before. As heavenly as it gets. Now I don’t worry about knowing I will crash later, I just enjoy the bliss. And when I do crash later, I think of it more as an ottoman I repeatedly trip over. Like Dick Van Dyke in the title sequence of his TV show. Will I feel icky later? Yes. Will I come back and dance a Texas Waltz again and float around the room like a fairy’s wings are on my feet? Yes.
I’m just looking for the top of the bell curve to rise gradually, and for the troughs to go by more quickly, these days. Getting used to the moments at the top, day by day.
Too much of a good thing?
Posted in Dancing, Healing, Inspiration, Writing
Tagged bliss, dancing, Happiness, healing, Inspiration, Recovery, too much of a good thing, ups and downs, Writing
Preston Sturges said that the night Isadora Duncan’s charms stopped working to seduce and beguile men was the night that the scarf took her. He said she let it take her.
Tonight I over heard a young man at a dance I was attending say of his dance partners “I had these two old biddies.” If there is a chink in my armor, I guess it’s that. Still shopping for men at 54 gets old. Yoga, seven minute workout, face creams and I can’t complain. Assume there’s 40 years ahead to complain. But still, we know how things used to be. It’s odd to be in a body that wasn’t designed to be maintained so long. Much less remain attractive to the opposite sex so long. Genetically speaking.
My mind travels to the MFA program I am starting in January. Is it a strong enough future to put back together my waning self-esteem? Sometimes. Maybe I’ll teach. Teachers get laid. Writing teachers are cool, and expected to be in their 50s and 60s and excentric. If it works out. I write well. Maybe I’ll get laid. Get loved. Is that why I’m doing it? To avoid the scarf?
Posted in Dancing, Healing, Screenwriting, Teaching, Writing
Tagged aging, dancing, dating, emotional healing, feeling old, healing, Isadora Duncan, MFA, self help, self-image, Writing, writing MFA
Fist Days of Summer
This week, I feel like one of the characters in my screenplay “First Days of Summer.” Ready to pack up and leave any and every situation and group in my life at any given moment. And full of love for the situations and groups in my life at any other given moment. It’s nice having feelings. I had missed them. They faded slowly over the last couple of decades, but are back with a vengeance. Look out world. I may care about you. It could happen.
Just danced in a flash mob. It reminded me of having fun. That’s something I would like to do again sometime.
I was also honest this week with someone, more than I’ve been in years. Just was myself around someone. Refreshing. I was also a fibber this week, I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. That’s fun. But since I’m not by nature a fibber, I have to now go make the fib a true thing. It will bother me otherwise.
I also realized there are several other classes I want to teach – It Writes Itself for improvised singing and for improv in general. Creating characters from inside, songs from inside, by building the worlds.
I highly recommend InformalClasses.org to anyone who lives in Austin,TX and has a class they are thinking of teaching. There’s a button right on the main page to submit class proposals. Or you can just workshop a class you want to teach with friends like I did the first time I taught. Fun. Low pressure. Gets you started.
Bold. That’s what I’ve been lately. That’s the word I’ve been looking for. That’s what and absence of anxiety will do for you. Golly it’s pleasant. Yes, it’s very pleasant.