The look of surprise on my friends faces as they congratulated me on a good performance in last night’s “Heist!” reunion show makes me think that improvising with a calm happy carefree feeling may be superior to improvising with immobilizing anxiety and depression… I’m just saying.
I am happy to know that not sucking at improv is possibly in my future. Just stepping on stage and going wherever the scene, character and my thoughts take me is what I long for and I got a glimpse of what that felt like last night. And people seemed to like it. This is a great relief, since most of my life has been centered around improv for the last five years.
This week has also been about learning that no matter what you do, someone will somewhere think everything you are doing is wrong and lame, and someone will probably think you are swell, or at least OK. You can take this feedback into consideration if it helps you accomplish something you are wanting to do, but you will lose yourself and your freedom to take risks if you take any of it too seriously. If words make you feel smaller or more constricted, put them aside. People are all different from each other, different needs, wants, desires, different priorities and perceptions. And that’s a good thing.
So, now to try to figure out how and why I was calm and happy going into the “Heist!” show, and to try to keep doing whatever got me to that state. The St. John’s Wort, the GABA, the picturing myself happy and things going well beforehand, the guided meditations, the prayer, the last 20 years of healing physically and emotionally, friends kindnesses, improvisers’ generosity. Whatever it is, glad to have a good performance and a good day. And nice to see a light at the end of a long dark tunnel.